Reflecting on all of the various posts from recent events in Washington prompted me to think about the power of empathy. In the People Skills Handbook on EQ competencies and perspectives created by several colleagues and myself, we explored the topic as Active Empathy, one of 54 competencies we can lear to enhance. We wrote:
ACTIVE EMPATHY
Understanding how and why others feel the way they do and conveying it effectively
Walk a mile in my moccasins and you will know my journey.
— Saying from the Cherokee Nation
Talented Expression of Active Empathy
o Demonstrates deep sensitivity to others’ feelings, needs and goals through generous listening
o Makes fine distinctions in the verbal and nonverbal communication of others (tone of voice, eye contact, word choice)
o Asks open-ended questions designed to better understand others and their feelings
o Sits comfortably with someone in silence when appropriate
o Identifies emotions in others and is able to convey that to the person
o Defuses emotional situations by respectfully identifying the emotions involved
Skilled Expression of Active Empathy
o Cares about others and tries to understand them
o Senses the feelings and thoughts of others but may not always be able to convey it
o Recognizes the nonverbal cues of others and tries to respond
o Demonstrates attentive body language when listening to others
o Portrays attentiveness through effective listening and patience
Unskilled
o Confuses trying to solve another person’s problems with empathy
o Recognizes emotional reactions from others but responds by justifying, defending and explaining
o Shows no real concern with the feelings and emotions of self or others
o Focuses on the task rather than the emotional impact on those involved
o Clashes with others and lacks understanding of their concerns or viewpoint
o Self-centeredness or insensitivity to others
o Defensiveness
o Inability to relate to diverse people or populations
o Dominating conversations, failing to engage others
o A determination to get across your own point of view
o Trying too hard to help, “save,” or rescue others ts
Framework
Empathy is the ability to tune in to another person, often allowing a personal and meaningful connection. By taking the time to understand what is important to another person and why, you can enrich your personal relationships and even begin to improve relationships where there is conflict.
Empathy is a skill that can be developed. A genuine concern for and interest in other people is a prerequisite to empathy. Empathy is your ability to accurately read the feelings of another person — their feelings, not yours. To empathize is to enter the other person’s world and to imagine what it must be like to be in their shoes. The ability to tune in to another person, to their feelings, improves your ability to relate to them and can increase intimacy and understanding between you and them.
You demonstrate empathy if you notice how stressed a colleague appears, acknowledging and trying to understand how she feels, or if you take the time to listen to your partner and value his emotions and point of view. Empathy does not mean that you necessarily agree with or like what a person is saying but that you are willing to try to understand what matters to that person. Empathy involves the temporary suspension of your own concerns and feelings as you listen to and value another person’s feelings and experience. Being empathic reduces conflict, increases understanding and assures a more relaxed home and workplace.
One Thing You can Do
Find yourself apologizing for failing to listen to the key people in your life? Do you know the importance of listening but need help with the more basic tools of communication? Empathy emerges as the natural outcome of using the basics of good communication skills, the ability to paraphrase, acknowledge, and empathize.
n To paraphrase involves listening and then summarizing the content of the speaker’s message by using sentence stems such as, “If I hear you correctly...,” or, “Sounds like...,” or, “Are you saying...?” Effective paraphrasing asks that you suspend your internal chatter and the need to express your thoughts and opinions. To do otherwise derails your ability to truly hear the message of the speaker.
n When acknowledging someone’s message you are saying, “I can see that you feel angry,” or, “You seem upset that happened.” Being able to paraphrase and acknowledge the feelings of others does not necessarily mean that you agree with them, but rather that you have made the effort to listen and to understand their thoughts and feelings.
n The groundwork for empathizing is set when you, as the listener, have done a good job of summarizing the speaker’s content and acknowledging the speaker’s point of view. You are now able to tune in to the person’s feelings, imagining what they are experiencing by trying to put yourself in their position. This is empathy!
Work Related Action
o Plan a team-building workshop or program for your immediate work group that involves exercises to increase understanding and communication among team members.
Personal Related Action
o Dinner table conversations: At dinner with your family or others, experiment with asking open-ended questions and responding with paraphrasing and acknowledgment. Make it your goal to refrain from opinions or judgment.
One Book (of 20)
Patnaik, Dev. Wired to Care: How Companies Prosper When They Create Widespread Empathy. Upper Saddle River, NJ: FT Press, 2009.
You can get our book at http://www.leadership-systems.com/product/people-skills-handbook/
My blog posts: http://pearmanpersonality.blogspot.com/?view=flipcard
You can access the content on a digital platform at www.matrixinsights.com
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